Friday, April 15, 2011

The Game Of Smartness

The Game Of Smartness

Are You Smarter Than Kevin Cornell?

Today, I'd like to introduce you to a wonderful new game I just invented. I'll be showing you a situation from my real life, and you see if you can avoid the mistakes I made. Ready? Let's start!

A drawing of Kevin Cornell's Bathroom

Here we have my bathroom. Pretty sharp, eh? We redid it one or two years ago, so that Ernie could bark at a carpenter for 3 months straight. Plus, if my sparse visits to New York have taught me anything, it's that when you want to relieve yourself, no tile is more conducive to the process than subway tile. But I didn't just invite you in here to show off my interior design skills. I made some poor decisions in organizing this room. Can you spot the first one?

A drawing of Kevin Cornell's Bathroom with the toothbrush circled

Yes! That's right! For some reason, the toothbrush isn't in the toothbrush holder! When we had the bathroom recombobulated, we installed a new toothbrush holder. Unfortunately, the holes in the holder are not near big enough to hold any of the toothbrushes I've ever owned. As a consequence of my short-sightedness, I must balance my toothbrush precariously on the holder every day! Can you spot the second poor decision?

A drawing of Kevin Cornell's Bathroom with the plunger circled

Oooh! You've got a sharp eye! Yes, I've taken the one object in a bathroom that comes in contact with feces yet doesn't get flushed, and put it practically right next to the one object that goes in your mouth! Now, this is a tricky one... what's the third poor decision?

A drawing of Kevin Cornell's Bathroom with the medicine cabinet circled

Correct! We installed an extra-shallow medicine cabinet! It barely has enough room for the items within! In fact, my deodorant regularly falls out of the cabinet when I open the door! Now, how do all these poor decisions culminate into one big, huge, orchestra of stupidity?

A drawing of Kevin Cornell's toothbrush falling and landing on the toilet plunger

You got it! What I described as my "toothbrush holder" before, actually behaves more like a "toothbrush catapult". Especially when the deoderant topples out of the cabinet, hits the end of the brush, which launches majestically into the air — guided almost by the vengeful hand of God himself — eventually landing on the dirty, shitty, filthy, gross plunger, and causing me to throw out the toothbrush and get a brand new one! Yayyyyy!

Did you spot any or all of these problems? Well, if you did — congratulations! You're Smarter Than Kevin Cornell! What's that? You disagree? Well, what if I told you this is the second time this happened to me in two weeks? That's right! I don't learn from my mistakes!

Bonus Round: The Solution

We had a great time pointing out the problems, but can you think of a solution?

A drawing of Kevin Cornell's Bathroom without the plunger

OOohhh... sorry. That was a trick question. Moving the plunger is a good idea, but the toothbrush can still easily topple to the floor. What did Kevin do?

A drawing of Kevin Cornell's Bathroom with a pile of toothpaste in place of the plunger

That's right. A strategically placed pile of toothpaste ensures that a fallen toothbrush isn't just safe from the floor, but prepared for the next brushing. And it leaves the bathroom smelling minty fresh!

Thanks for playing! We'll see you next time on... The Game of Smartness!

Comments on this Article

There are currently 19 comments.

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It's kind of nice to know that God's taken a break from trying to lift immovable objects for some good ol' fashioned toothbrush in poo humor.


I understand there's a book of the bible between Genesis and Exodus that just recounts hilarious pranks.


Man, I would so read the Bible more often if they had left that book in there! Drat those censors!


Yeah. Censors ruin everything. The Grapes of Wrath has, like, no grapes in it. WHAT AM I READING THIS FOR!!!???


All you have to do is swap the toothbrush and plunger positions, brush your teeth with toilet water, and shit in the sink.


I... will never use your bathroom.


It's amazing to me that the toothbrush holder making industry is so woefully behind the times. I picture some feeble old man just home from a long shift at the plant watching TV and throwing down the remote in disgust as the latest innovation in toothbrush technology mocks his efforts. "Damn it, Ethel they've done it again!" he yells into the kitchen.


I'm just shocked at how gaudy toothbrushes are. I think people who design sneakers and who design toothbrushes are having a war to see which can include the most superfluous grooves, ribs, nodules, curves, and creases.


Toothbrush-on-a-rope, soap-on a-rope's cousin should do the trick.


1 5mm drill bit,
1 pack sugru
2 episodes of Macguyver
1 restraining order on Sutter

Mountain Gnome

I thought the error was that there was no handle on the toiler to flush it, or that the tissues etc were covering it, and hence you could not flush the toilet...

Although a larger cabinet would easily hold those things...

James' solution sounds very practical!


James - But Sutter borrowed all my MacGuyver episodes! It's a catch 22!

Mountain Gnome - Haha - yeah - I totally did forget to draw the handle! That DOES suggest further problems...


Thank you for confirming that recombobulate is an actual word. That one's be bugging me for years.


Well, to be honest, there's no guarantee that just because I use a word, it's an actual word. That would just be pure swagglehosh.


"the one object in a bathroom that comes in contact with feces yet doesn't get flushed"

Oh....look who's all fancy!


Well, I'm not a barbarian. Though I do have a bathroom axe.


a bathroom axe and yet, aside from no handle on the flusherless flusher, you have no TP either.

Solution to Sutter borrowing your episodes (which you don't want to touch after he has touched them now, do you?):


I really like your solution but I would have taken it one step further: screw a shelf on the side of the sink and cover THAT in toothpaste. This way you break the brush's fall midway and spare yourself the bend over. You know you want that, with your bad back and all...


James - When we need TP, we just grab a little from the tree outside. Our neighbors... don't like us.

Tudorminator - Ah, excellent foresight! And actually, I should probably opt for a lighter toothbrush than this solid-gold thing I bought.

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