Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Kevin Cornell, Performer

Kevin Cornell, Performer

For Every Dreamboat There Is A Barge

Having recently returned from vacation, I couldn't have been more ready to get back to work. But alas, the Cosmos often likes to crouch behind your legs while Fate pushes you over. So, predictably, first-thing Monday morning I re-injured my back, making sitting at the drawing table an excruciating prospect.

Just to clarify, a back injury isn't all drawbacks. While I can't do any extensive drawing, I'm able to manage a few quick sketches throughout the day. And since I have to spend so much time standing upright, I can pursue the timeless art of writing. This is the perfect opportunity for personal reflection. For the thinking of deep thoughts, and the investigation of the intricacies of life — alluring mysteries that can only be sundered by the dream-edged daggers of philosophy and introspection.

But instead I chose to wield the blunt butter-knife of procrastination, exploring the deep mysteries of just what images come up when I google myself.

Now, for those who might not know, I do share my name with a Chippendales Dancer. Tall, blond, bronze, and dedicated to the art of Performing, he is the Julius to my Vincent. As you can imagine, the majority of searches for Kevin Cornell result in images of this sturdy doppleganger. Which I'm perfectly okay with, except I dislike the idea that if someone is doing a search for "Kevin Cornell bare-chested" or "gyrating" or "flexing buttocks", and they actually are looking for me, they're going to be very disappointed. And so I wrote this article, so that my own contributions to the art of Performance may be entered into the annals of searchable images. I think you'll agree, this isn't so much a personal quest, as a legitimate public service. Observe me now, in all my glory:

Kevin Cornell, Stripper, Exotic Dancer, and Erotic Illustrator

Though to be honest, this is probably the more accurate rendition of my performance:

Kevin Cornell, Stripper, Exotic Dancer, and Erotic Illustrator

In either case, goodbye for now. Maybe I'll catch up with you saucy cats later... perhaps on the losing end of an erotic query. Ciao!

Comments on this Article

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Ah, but does the Chippendales Kevin Cornell have a collection of sock monkeys and a firm grasp on the intricacies of watercolors?


Maybe not. But he seems tall enough to be able to see over most people in crowds. That's gotta be worth something.


There is probably also a "Kevin Cornell: Linoleum Installer", a "Kevin Cornell: Veterinarian's Assistant", and a "Kevin Cornell: Liquid Paper Wholesaler" but due to their relative obscurity they don't show up in Google searches. I too have a doppleganger, but being Swiss, he doesn't understand my English overtures of true, brotherly love.


HA! Kevin, I just did a Google image search for Kevin Cornell and the funniest thing was seeing a picture of The Golden Boy naked behind a wooden horse paddock directly above your drawing of a leering man wearing his Rhino Jacket.


You, sir, need to learn to take care of yourself, lest you end up like these fine gentlemen.


Shaun Inman

But alas, the Cosmos often likes to crouch behind your legs while Fate pushes you over.

Hey, that's how I met my wife!

While you're laid up you could at least do some research and get the leg up on your Chippengänger.


Karl - Perhaps your overtures need to be a bit more neutral?

Testmonkey - Don't worry. I totally bailed out of that David Spade movie.

Shaun - You've got it ALL wrong... research is supposed to HELP me...


For what is worth, an image search for my name brings out images of a Romanian extremist, three monks, lots of women and the title graphic for an online journal of clinical medicine.

So stop whining 'case you can at least pretend you are the now-retired bare-chested pole-dancing blond ape.

In any case, you should definitely take better care of your back.


This does not do my mental image justice. In fact, there is little justice here at all. Sorry to hear the bad news, it seems you just got back and here you are injured again. Curses.


I just image-searched myself and found that, at least on the internet, I am more popular than MY performing doppleganger - who I believe fronts a death-metal band in Desmoines. Apparently google is more interested in art teachers who write than people who do anything that, you know, leads to actual social success.

Sorry to hear about your back. Perhaps Kevin Cornell the Second could throw together a "Dance Your Way to Spinal Health" video for you. Personally, I think if a man's gonna steal your thunder he ought to at least put on a speedo and give you a little of his own.


I think Murphy's Law ought to be amended, to adjust for the technological age. The new clause ought to advise that when googling oneself, one is guaranteed to find at least one doppleganger whose profession is the precise polar opposite of that of the searcher. Which means, of course, that some hunky Swedish supermodel in Milan is laughing their ass off right now over the facebook profile of an accountant in Toledo with the same name. Incidentally, my significant other also googled himself to find his doppleganger, the Thai porn star. Spicy!

This article immediately brought to mind the SNL skit with Chris Farley and Patrick Swayze ... Thanks for the good hearty laugh - my coworkers thoroughly enjoyed looking at me funny last night! :-D

Glindon Marten

The kiss under the signature is frickin awesome.


I agree with Glindon
i dunno about you fine folk, but a google of my name shows the strangest variety I have EVER seen in a google search. I even get pictures of Mariah Carey (?!)
I did actually get *one* photo of myself being punched in the face though.
Nice to be loved


Tudorminator - THREE monks? Sounds like you're getting a calling...

KeepingYouAwake - I hope in your mental image I have a lot more dollar bills down my shorts. I totally forgot them here.

Josh - Death metal is self-limiting in terms of its popularity, what with all their fans dying from the music. That's how it works, right?

Phyllis - Toledo puts out some of the best accounting in the country. That supermodel sounds like a jerk!

Glindon - That's actually a penis print. Ewww. I just grossed MYSELF out.

James - You sound surprised that there's only ONE photo of you being punched. Do you have a lot of enemies with cameras?


ohmygawdiloooveit! You, dear sir, are b-r-i-l-l-i-a-n-t. I especially like the rabid, coke-induced expression on your face as you gyrate your nubile hips and swing your...ummh...cape?

On a more serious note, sorry to hear that you hurt your back again. Please take care of yourself and I wish you a speedy recovery!

And thank you for the laugh today. Happy weekend!


Coke-induced expression? What you're seeing there is my love of dance. And methamphetamines.


I meant Coca-Cola. Like a case or two.


Does it hurt when you take the bow tie off?


Yeah. I shouldn't have had it sutured to my neck like that.


You may have a point, Mr. Cornell... it just struck me that I have very recently bought myself a new home 500 meters away from a nunnery. That's odd mainly because I consider myself an atheist and because women in long robes are not my cup of tea. Neither men in long robes, for that matter...

On the other hand, the bow tie moving up and down every time you sip from a drink must be an all time party favorite, right? Think positive, there's ALWAYS a good side to everithing.


True story:

I heard my coworker snickering and recognized he was on this site. I hadn't visited it for awhile and couldn't remember the exact URL. So I just googled Kevin Cornell. It would seem I got the best of both worlds this morning.

Russer Butter

Well, at least your search did find a few pictures of you, mine only turned up pictures of ODB (spoiler to my real name) and on page two there was a really freaky picture of a catfish of some sort.


typed in my name and got, your search did not match any documents, then I tried their suggestions: make sure all words are spelled correctly, try different keywords, try more general keywords, try fewer keywords, results were the same, nothing... I feel empty inside, even the internet is treating me like a forgotten son


You wouldn't have this problem if you'd just married Madonna when she asked. You'd be all OVER the internet.

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