Thursday, November 05, 2009

The Fifteen Collage

The Fifteen Collage

Ornithology Made Ornithillogical

Today I decided to kill birds.

I know what you're thinking. "Kevin, you'll need several stones to accomplish that!". But, being a scholar and a gentleman at the end of his rope with ants in his pants and an ear for idioms, I have come to understand that it is possible to kill several birds with one stone. This seems like an optimal strategy. Now, normally the birds I hunt are scattered across the forest. But today I realized I could just put all the birds in one tree, and then... I guess... throw the stone... at the tree?


These particular sketches are from Sketchbook Fifteen, which dates from the Spring of 2006. Which explains all the out-of-date jokes in the collage. For instance, these days kung-fu masters don't all need to live at the Shaolin Monastery to train. Increased bandwidth capacity and video conferencing allows these masters to shatter bones and explode organs in the comfort of their own living room or office environment.

Regardless of their age, I'm hoping these simple sketches can provide entertainment, with a little courageous eye movement from you and commentary from me. Oh, and since I know you're already complaining the above image is way too small, I have provided a slightly larger version for you here. Enjoy!

Collage Commentary

  1. This is scene from that movie where Mojo's family is captured by the Samurai overlords and he goes to the temple to train with a renowned kung-fu master and his first task is to fight off scores of students with only an ice cream cone but he accidentally eats the cone and thus learns that his true enemy is his own gluttony. Honestly, it was a horrible movie. I just did it for that Lead Gaffer credit!
  2. This is the definition of the word Aposiopesis. I'll use it in a sentence. "So there I was, trapped by the Hippopotomas Queen when—"
  3. Here we see a man drinking from a fire extinguisher, which is a horrible idea unless he just swallowed a fire, in which case it's a good idea. Unless it was a grease fire, which means he should be swallowing a blanket.
  4. Back around the time of this sketchbook, I was taking a letterpress course (the same one these fine folks took). I drew my instructions for setting your type in the press bed. At least I think it's called the press bed. I didn't pay much attention. It was during this time that I learned that no matter the amount of interest I have in the subject, if you put me back in an educational environment, I resort to my schoolboy ways. I disregarded homework; I ignored the teacher and wasted my time doodling; I even called up Lois Hopper and asked her to the Junior Dance. This time she actually said yes, but then I was informed that the dance was 15 years ago and that I'm not allowed to date. Wives. Am I right, fellas?
  5. One of the few things I did learn in that letterpress class is that Dan Mall is an unstoppable eating machine, and consequently wastes nearly 50% of his day actively putting food in his mouth. So I invented an amazing solution. You may have noticed Dan won the Nobel Prize for Greatness? All my doing.
  6. This is just a fellow who is entirely hands. Even his feet are hands. You and five other friends can all greet him at the exact same time.
  7. This is Lemburton Leigh. His only goal in life is to iron things. I didn't have enough room to fit in his name, but inside the "O" in Lemburton there's an iron. Other items of note that contain iron at their very center are the Earth, My Uncle Harlan's left tibia, and Tootsie Pops for robot trick-or-treaters.
  8. Here's a little drawing trick from a professional illustrator. You can drastically cut down on the amount of human anatomy you need to draw if you always draw people standing in water. Up until college, every family Christmas Card I ever drew was set in a nativity scene that had mysteriously flooded.
  9. Mojo's favorite pizza actual is pretty good, but you can't find many pizza places qualified enough to make it. Soviet judges are notoriously stingy with their 6.0's.
  10. Science fiction writers are often exploring the ethical questions of the future. For instance, is it morally wrong to fall in love with a robot? I suspect it's fine, unless it's your neighbor's robot wife. That's double-coveting.
  11. Wow, another opportunity for a coveting joke. Good job, Kev. Nothing fills the seats like Bible humor. Keep 'em coming, stupid.
  12. This was the idea for a story where a man goes deep-sea diving only to find a gopher has stowed away in his suit. That's the end of the first act, and then it goes into this thing where the gopher is searching for his father. But in order to bring the father into the scene I had to have him trapped in a diving suit as well, and then suddenly I'm bringing in all these other woodland creatures to resolve the plot which means I have to have all of them trapped in a diving suit and then I got fifty characters to keep an eye on and half of them are just people in diving suits standing around and then it's like "What the hell, is this like an underwater wedding? Why are all these people diving here?" and before you know it this is a 750 page children's book. So I scrapped it. But I have this other idea which is pretty marketable — "Everyone Vomits".

Comments on this Article

There are currently 13 comments.

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I've got an uncle that's all hands. Not as funny as you'd think.

You know what I like about this post? I learned something about—


Stones? Really?
Kevin, when are you going to learn you don't throw stones, you throw cats!


Is it sick if I think my favorite pizza has extra cheese, pepperoni and mojo on it?

I visited a tribe in the amazon once and we ate monkey that looked like a charred baby and tasted like chicken. Then we ate some chicken that tasted like monkey and made me think of charred babies. My little brother started to get nervous.

The moral of the story is, glutting on monkeys leads to cannibalism, and mojo'd better hand over that ice cream.

Cliener von Cleanskin

Some illustrator you are, I can’t see birds, stones OR trees!


I was at that imaginary wedding! There was a lot of waiting... I got very cold. But I fixed that problem, to the surprise of the otter in the suit with me. He was displeased. As always, Kevin, Great work. Love your Tweets too, and that's not some sort of pick-up line.


Testmonkey - I tip my hat to you, sir. Well done ;)

Greg - But I only have indoor cats!

Josh - Well said. I think we can all agree, babies are delicious.

Cliener - I think the one guy is ironing a tree. Maybe.

Keepingyouawake - Thanks! I've really been working on my tweets at the gym. Swimsuit season fast approaches!

Glindon Marten

I enjoy bible humor. It's too bad the church painted all those fig leaves on people's winkerdoodles way back when... They could have just as easily used your idea and put them all in a giant pool of water. It's a much more efficient method of hiding anatomy.


Wow. I had a dream like that once. Woke up, waist-deep in a pool of water. Lesson learned - Vodka and Snickerdoodles before bed are not a good idea. *shudder*


Best post in a long time. Keep them coming. You made my day.


Glindon - Totally. And they just would have retitled everything to have occurred during the flood.

Phyllis - I'd steer clear of the Snickerdoodles for sure.

Reece - Thanks! I do plan on more of these :)

Dan Mall

"Wastes"? I prefer "ameliorates." Hmph.



Just a few points:
1. Is that Dan Mall in the picture? Because if it is, we have similar hair. Which is great.
2. Lois Hopper sounds nice. And you are right about not being allowed to date wives. It's in the Bible.
3. The Soviet Union stopped existing as such just before the 1992 Olympics. This really IS an out-of-date post.
4. I need to teach some online kung-fu now, but thanks for the laughs on a blustery fall day at work.


My pleasure. And as for the Soviet Union... the nation may be gone, but the figure skating judges still refer to themselves as Soviet, since the cost to un-embroider the word from their suit coats was SO prohibitive.

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