Friday, December 19, 2008

A Christmas Deposition

A Christmas Deposition

I Saw Three Lawyers Come Sailing In...

Last week I was strolling about, humming a tune I made up in my head when I thought to myself: Why... this mirthful little dirge would make a fantastic Christmas carol! And so, tearing open the shutters of my computer, and throwing up the sash of... my... guitar, I hurriedly recorded my humming.

Moments later, I was sure I had the tune to a classic on my hands. And I did. It was "I Saw Three Ships".

Not to be discouraged by my exuberant plagiarism, I started writing a new tune, and the accompanying lyrics. Soon I had pieced together a mighty Christmas tale to add to the already bloated canon of novelty Christmas songs, thus saving Christmas. Take a listen. An Eye-listen:

A Christmas Deposition

On a wint'ry eve a jingling sound
did wake me from my bed;
And quietly I crept downstairs
my heart all full of dread.

I must admit I wasn't fit
for foiling burglaries
My judgment's poor when I take all four
pills for my STD's.

But to my surprise a merry sprite
was the author of the sound!
Yet in my haste an antique vase
I had smashed on Santa's crown.

All Christmas Cheer made Christmas Fear
by accidental fury;
Made worse next day when he came awake
while his body I did bury.

The pleading yelps of that spry old elf
brought the neighbors all a-prying;
It was tough to explain the blows I'd rained
on Saint Nick with all his crying.

In appellate court my case was sunk
by that Jolly Old Defendant
My empassioned plea didn't work 'cause he
gave the jury extra presents.

I waited, shamed, 'till the verdict came,
to sit with knocking knees.
A guilty count of attempted
Santacide and Battery.

Then, with magic pace, a fireplace
Santa's lawyer elves erected
Through which he rose, finger to his nose
not the one that I expected.

Now I slave each day so I can pay
my legal obligations
So remember me when you trim the tree
I fund your celebration.

But How Does It Go?

I thought you'd say that. Which is why I asked my good chum and musical enthusiast Ian Corey to record a version for me to post, so that the children of the world can join hands together and lift their sweet angelic voices in song. Heralding, I think that's called.

» A Christmas Deposition, by Ian Corey (MP3, 3.3 mb)

The mirthful Mr. Corey also recorded a ringtone, so that your phone can Herald as well. Though if it's coming from a phone, that might be harking. Or hearkening:

» A Christmas Deposition Ringtone, by Ian Corey (M4R, 2kb)

The best of holiday wishes to you all from those of us here at Bearskinrug! Well... mostly me. Ernie is busy barking at anything made of matter, and Mojo and Lewis went out to do some drinking and holiday vandalizing.

Comments on this Article

There are currently 17 comments.

[ Add one of your own! ]


Finally, a Christmas song I can get behind. It combines my love for home invasion and frivolous lawsuits.

I applaud you, sir. Not loudly, mind you. Quietly. Where no one else can see.


Frivolous? Obviously you've never been buried alive. It SUCKS.

Alice Grey

A couple of days ago my husband asked whether I thought the world had space for more Christmas Carols. I said it did, he argued that it didn't...and we argued for an awfully long time! I believe you may just have proved me RIGHT!

glindon marten

I enjoyed your song Mr. Corey! I'm sorry about all your STD's, that's a bummer man.


Alice - The world always has space for more Christmas Carols. But strangely, it has no room for Arbor Day Anthems.

Glindon - Well, he deserves what he got. I told him to stay away from my sister.

russer butter

Arbor Day Anthems, now that's the ticket. I want to hear more songs about planting trees.


Russer, this is kind of an Arbor/Christmas carol, what with the planting of Santa and all. It's the best of both worlds. Or the worst, I guess, depending on your perspective.


Great song I shared it with family & friends!


Is there anything more festive in the holiday season than a little mistletoe, attempted Santacide and some litigation for the new year? *sigh* Just puts me in the mood for some hot cocoa and militant caroling!


After 'Jingle Bells Batman Smells..', this is my favorite holiday song. In fact it even surpass it.


Shane - Uh oh... now your family knows about my four STD's.

Phyllis - I could go for a forced march around the neighborhood and all 10 verses of silent night by bayonet point as well.

BigA - Score! Next to go down... "Walking Round In Women's Underwear..."


A merry christmas to you! And thank you for the inspiration


Well, as long as you're only talking about the song, then yeah..maybe


STD's at Christmas or STD's for Christmas? Either way, combined with saint battery makes for a jolly, yuletide tune.

I like this much better than the one I sing in my head called "Police grabbed my Dad" to the tune of "Felice Navidad". Maybe I should break out my Taylor and write the song? Nah, I'll leave it to the professionalism of Mr. Corey.

Merry Christmas Kevin!

Diane Faye Zerr

Ha ha ha! I love the verse where you have:

Through which he rose, finger to his nose
not the one that I expected

So great, I have to remember this!

Lydia Quinn

Oh my god! that is THE best christmas song ever!! Sure to be a christmas number one! :D

Seun lawal

Affirmatively a nice one it is! Could make lullaby someday. Its good, really good.

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