Friday, October 17, 2008

The Boorish Condiment

The Boorish Condiment

Save It For The Drawing Room, Ketchup

I think I'd like to throw a dinner party. I really don't know much about them, except from what I've gleaned from New Yorker cartoons. I know I should be wearing a white tie and black jacket, and Kim should be wearing pearls and perhaps holding opera glasses. Also the entire dinner conversation has to revolve around the news of the day, you know, iceberg-related tragedies and maybe the latest fashions out of Paris. And after dinner the men and I retire to the drawing room, where we'll smoke cigars and talk about subjects inappropriate for discussion in front of the more delicate sex. Our penises, I guess.

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Every night when I have dinner I pretend it is a party in my mind, but that I only invited my family (and the ketchup is NEVER invited).

Hugh G.

Brilliant idea, Kevin. Can I have an invite? It's been AGES since Ihad a good conversation about my penis.


Shane - I do something similar when I brush my teeth. I pretend I broke into the dentist's office at night.

Hugh - All your conversations about your penis have been bad then? Too much rhetoric, and not getting down to the real issues of the penis?

Hugh G.

Bad only because it's always about his frequent misbehavior. In fact, the scenario in your comic is all too familiar (if you substituted ketchup for my penis.)


Too often at dinner parties guests feel free to pepper the conversation with salty language...

Gentle Jones

Um... its the women who talk about the penises, the men don't talk, we just sit around and flex our muscles.


That's funny, Kevin. My wife is always telling me how inappropriate my penis is!


I'm a "Dijonaise" girl, myself. I never could stand Ketchup or his snooty cousin, Catsup. He thinks he's so fancy.


I must admit I have never seen my ketchup misbehaving in front of guests but I'm from Belgium so over here it's probably the Mayonaise that steps out of line.

How about "andalouse" for your next party? A bit more spicy, I know, but I've been told he's much more polite.

Glindon Marten

penis' always make for first-rate after dinner conversation, vaginas are a close second... then boobs.

BTW, thanks for the piano! I am very pleased with the book. :)


I remember visiting the Hearst mansion at San Simeon some time ago, where they had the dining room table laid out for a 'typical' Hearst Christmas dinner (it was a very big table - prolly seated, oh, about sixty people?). Surprisingly, at every other setting, in the middle of the table, was a bottle of ketchup.

The tour guide told us that Hearst routinely did this as a sign of 'opulence' since ketchup was relatively hard to get during the Depression.

I don't know whether this story is apocryphal, but the shiny red bottles sitting among the Good Crystal and the polished silverware certainly were incongruous...

I didn't notice any mustard.

Russer Butter

I see nothing wrong with the ketchup, now Ted on the other hand needs to put on some clothes if he is indeed having a dinner party.

Personally I am partial to tartar sauce, but that's probably just because I have spent so much of my life eating seafood. I still prefer it on my fries to ketchup, though tonight I ordered my fries with gravy and they were very good.

Stevie K

I've not had much experience with dinner parties either but in the UK I believe they are generally supposed to degenerate into a game of spin the bottle and some sort of thing involving car keys in a bowl and lucky dip.


Our hero needs mustardayonnaise imo.

Cliener von Cleanskin

In the world where ketchup, BBQ sauce is king.


Now there's an idea for you. You'd have a positive blast say with all the bankers and investors available these days to be hired as waiters - they'd sure make for good old 19th century mocking of the waiting staff!


And here's a little ridiculous joke I'm sure to get the gentleman's lounge going in a burst of guffaws:

"Spooning leads to forking, so use condiments!"



Heheh... *kevin extends brandy glass for clinking*

Cliener von Cleanskin

I blame a migraine-induced stupour for my previous comment. I trust all and sundry will accept my sincere apologies.

Gentle Jones

I will be sure to bring my penis to said dinner party.


Cliener - You know what clears a migraine right up? Eating ketchup in a dark room.

Gentle - That's preferable to it showing up separately, so that we all maintain healthy appetites.

Cliener von Cleanskin

I’m not entirely certain if it was the ketchup in a dark room or the pain killers and sleep that did it, but the migraine is gone! Thanks, Mr Cornell!

The Realist, with a cup of peppermint tea

Life Take you by the hand some times and slams it in the door. The last dinner party i when to i had to eat vegetables and I'm a meatetarian

St. Chris

My friends and I -- most of us men -- always wondered what "man-talk" was supposed to be about. Many years ago, we figured it must go something like this once the ladies leave the room:

"So, how's your penis?"
"Fine. And how's yours?"

Same page, Kevin. Not surprised.

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