Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Forgotten Hat

The Forgotten Hat

Not All Hats Are Rotten

A hat made of produce seems like a great idea, but the advantage of having fresh fruit only an arm's length away is outweighed by having a hat that rots away before you can even finish it. God help you if you live in a country with giraffes — you're essentially wearing bait. But still, it's a step in the right direction.

See, the Fruited Hat really only scratches the surface of a hat's potential beyond mere head-covering. Ideally, hats should be designed to carry anything you're already carrying in your pant or jacket pockets. Why, with the right top hat, I could carry my wallet, a phone, my keys, and probably a bag lunch, leaving me free to wear some pocket-less clothing for once. Like a unitard. Or an evening gown.

I could probably keep my spare change on the brim, too. Though I couldn't bend over or slouch. But hey — if I'm wearing a top hat and an evening gown, I'd definitely want to maintain proper posture anyway, or I'd look pretty out of place at the country club. And when I need to tip the valet, I just tip my hat. It's like a double-compliment.

Now that says class.

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I find that the same is true of Edible Arrangements® -- the rotting before you eat it part, not the giraffe bait part.

Kevin Cornell

I don't know... once a food becomes a table arrangment, it stops being food. And I feel the same way about edible underwear.


Let's say, for the sake of argument, that a giraffe did catch you. What's the worst that could happen? A little nibbling? Perhaps some of that giraffe-famous necking (consensual, of course)?

Stevie K

As great as it would be to wear a unitard again, I'd imagine the disadvantages of carrying your belongings in your hat would become apparent on the next windy day or absent-mided convertible ride. Plus there's the ever present threat of hat thieves, the pick pocket's taller cousin.


once your edible underwear become a table arrangement, they stop being underwear?

c'mon! that's when the real party begins!

Mike Fool

I find it in poor taste to wear an edible arrangement to a restaurant. It seems to be in the same vein as wearing a band's shirt to their concert.

Kevin Cornell

Testmonkey - Well, it's not something to worry about as long as there's still fruit in the hat. But once it's all gone... that giraffe will go for the main melon, if you get my drift.

Stevie - I'll have to move to someplace where there's no wind. Maybe I'll just live in those tunnels under Disneyworld.

Burd - Hey! I have no interest in your kinky underwear parties! Anymore!

Mike - Haha - NICE :D


I don't think giraffes like to bend down... So you willl need to wear a rather tall hat if you want to be animal-friendly. Top hat deluxe.

Of course there is an alternative: the infamous paper bag. Although everyone will think you are an alcoholic.


With the nippy temperatures, the outdoors is basically like a giant refrigerator. You can certainly get a lot more mileage out of your fruit hat. Hell, you can even don the Meat Suit. It provides both warmth and fajitas.


You know how November was all about growing a "tache", well i think it's high time there were a hat wearing month and when I say hat I don't mean an excuse for grown men to pop a cap on their head so they can walk around looking like they're that big kid with a thyroid condition on the local T-Ball squad. I'm talking here about proper hats. I could wear the hell out of a Trilby, Homburg, or if I were in a particularly Keaton-esque mood, a Pork Pie.


Oh yeah! I'm all about wearing my Trilby!!! It's tougher to pull rabbits out of it, but it more than makes up for it with it's immense coolness factor.

Mr. Fishie

I ask my mother and father for a trilby every year. I'm still not sure they KNOW what a trilby is and it’s been five years.


Isn't a Trilby one of those creatures from StarTrek that look like a stuffed toupé ? (Why does that sound like French cuisine ?!?)
I was going to say, 'That wouldn't be very nice to wear on my head." but now that I think about it…


Speaking of pork pie hats, I presume you're familiar with the Hats of Meat phenomenon? Why stop at fruit when you can wear an entire charcuterie counter on your head?

The Overlord

If you have things like grapes in your hat, and you master the technique of sort of bouncing and (grapes flying everywhere) catching grapes in your mouth, while not spilling any... that would be kind of neat, no?

And if you're around lazy giraffes, you could teach them to catch the grapes that you toss upwards! That would be sort of amazing.


I keep picturing this cartoon as some kind of elaborate story told to hotel guests by the breakfast waiter. Ending with:

"...and thats why we have no fruit available this morning. Can I interest you in some cornflakes?"

mountain gnome

Great Post
Kevin, I know you have a tendency to make up facts, like those about Bears recently, and previously about Sharks. However I'd like to clear up something about Giraffes. Giraffes only eat leaves from (tall) trees and sometimes may nibble on tree flowers at the right time of year, however Melons, Bananas and Grapes are not a preferred meal for a hungry Giraffe.
The Giraffe's mouth and very long tongue are not suited to such juicy fruits! However, they are good at necking and French kissing!
Seasons Greetings to you all!


A potential construction material for your phone-keys-spare-change hat might be rare-earth magnets—provided you put a fork in your bag lunch, you'd be in business. It may cause some problems in the credit card and/or friend-with-pacemaker department, but that's nothing compared to the tribulation of overeating fruit whilst wearing a unitard.


Only problem with that kind of a top hat is you won't have to worrie about being Bait to giraffes anymore.

No, now you have opened yourself up to all kinds of looneys out there in the world.

That is why the real use for a hat is not to place things ON TOP of the hat, but UNDERNEATH the hat. then it becomes some sort of a bat belt, where no one really knows what sort of things you are going to pull out from under your hat.

You see the magicians had it right all along...


Kevin, your genius is showing. Plus, who WOULDN'T want a fruit hat.... I know I sure do, and since I'M so NORMAL everyone should want one to!


Ah, another great tale from Chateau Chapeau!

moss monchaly

your handwriting is to my favour


"hat" is just a funny word in general. but adding nutritional value is no laughing matter.

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