Friday, November 03, 2006



Shaken Drinks and Stirred Souls

I recently came across a handful of Irish toasts that I found quite charming, in a earthy sort of way; and after mulling it over for a while, I decided that it'd be fun to come up with a couple of toasts of my own. Just a few well-turned phrases to impart while drinking with friends, attending State dinners, or hosting the Emmy awards.

So... ahem... I'd like you all to raise your glasses with me...

Let us be Wise
when faced with Trouble;
Found when we are Missing;
Let there be Sunshine
while we're Drinking;
And Darkness while we're Pissing.

Oh dear. That's more crass than I was expecting... let me try again:

Let the Sun shine when we want it;
And the Rain fall when we need it;
Still Winds for when we wander;
Extra-inches for our penis.

Oh GOD. That's much worse. And it hints at some kind of community phallus — the idea of which is just unsettling, no matter how much you've drank. Okay... last try:

Two years for every kindness
you've ever paid a stranger;
And four for every child
you've saved from traffic danger;
Six years for living honest,
may those six be honest still;
But eight less years I wish you,
if you leave before the bill.


Well, okay Smarties... you give it a try then.

Comments on this Article

There are currently 17 comments.

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Rob Weychert

I would try, but I can do no better than your second toast. It's golden.



Of all the people I thought would have a toast to contribute, it would be YOU, Mr. W...


A day in the sun,
A lifetime of joy;
Do I have to get my gun,
To get yo' hand off my wife, boy?

Okay, the rhythm is off a bit @-`---


Hey - that one has an extra-hidden message... of REVENGE... :D


A community phallus?! Ew...! I would have to agree with Seņor W. The second toast is an instant classic! I truly think it captures what it really means to be human.


A Toast to Mojo:

To Mojo the sockmonkey
May his days be wise
As he will no doubt lead to many's demise

To Mojo the sockmonkey
As he goes out and about
May he cheerfully endure his painful gout

To Mojo the sockmonkey
A *pat* here, a *pat* there
May he continue to scheme inappropriately anew each year

To Mojo the sockmonkey
Far cuter than Alley Wench's hairiest mole
May he continue his immoral reign that takes such a toll

And a special nod to our secretive dust speck & friends
May your random occurrences here never end
As they steal thunder from Mojo who can't stand
To be upstaged by your diminutive stature again and again

The Colonel

May our lives be brighter
than a lad's rosy cheeks;
And our days be longer
than the shortest of weeks;
Let our heads stay cooler
than the serpent's hiss;
And our hearts stay warmer
than an hour-long piss.

Beware... I may have more in me.
I meant toasts, not tinkles.


Benjamin - Well... a MALE human, at least :D

Testmonkey - That's it... you're writing the forward for the next Mojo book!

Colonel - Haha - nice! And I cannot fault you for exploring more... I had to subject all of you to three, after all..


The second one would make a nice tattoo. I'm not sure where though.


I'd like ot make a toast
some bread,
some butter,
perhaps some jam!


Yea, the days wear on
With no fear for age.
For the eldest among us,
The weeks are as days.
As our skin becomes creased,
Soft bits start to droop.
May the wisest among us
Not play hula hoops.

Rob Weychert

Here's to the brave men
whose courage inspires us,
and the strong women
with whom they share beds--
or, possibly, the strong men
with whom they share beds,
in which case,
omit the line about the women.


Wonderboy - Appropriate for any meal - excellent!

Lovejoy - I actually lack the hula-hooping skill... which according to this, means I can claim wisdom. FINALLY.

Rob - Haha - wonderful. Now what did you make such a stink for!

Joshua Lane

A Toast To Everyone, And All That You Do
From The Guy With One Leg, and a Fu-Manchu
I Bless This Event, And Everyone Here
Except For That Weirdo, With Only One Ear
And The Two Headed Lady, Who Spiked the Punch
And The Man With a Cap, Over His Hunch
You All Creep Me Out, Something Crazy
And Especially You, With the Eye That is Lazy


raise up a glass
give him a toast
bow before Mojo
your wond-eh-ful host

for while you were chewing
this evening's repast
he ransacked your cars
and drove them real fast

he need not be able
to reach ev'ry pedal
just mashed the right one
down to the metal

now before y'all get angry
hear me out - please:
i think I should mention
he duped all the keys

so have a great night!
but remember, next day
one word to the cops
and your autos will pay


Josh - Wow - you're dancing a fine line between tolerance and intolerance in this one! Nice!

Joesplanet - Touching AND Thrilling!

Jon Hilton

Here's the bee that stung the bull
And started the bull a buckin'

Here's to Adam who stuck it to Eve
And started the world a fuckin'

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