Thursday, March 31, 2005

Search Me

Search Me

The Disappointed Googlist visits Bearskinrug

Every so often — when I check my referrers — I find the inevitable search that went awry, where the searchee accidentally ended up on this site. And I must say, some of the queries are quite entertaining. Now, there's the usual amount of people looking for bears, or rugs. And I assume many times a visitor was indeed looking for an ACTUAL bearskinrug. But sometimes... well, they were far from interested in seeing this site.

Sometimes, it's a broken-spirited flu victim that struggles to type in:

Sinus Infection and Dizzy

...and receives a mojo cartoon in return. Or it might be hungry newlyweds, looking to expand their tastes, who search for:

Hibachi Food

...and end up getting an earful about my social phobias.

And the winner is...

But since the beginning of March, one article in particular garners the most (I assume) disappointed visitors. Now, when I saw the title of the article in question — before it was published — I had a suspicion something like this would happen. But, I published it anyways, mostly because I wasn't the author. And so, Pete Dalkner's guest article Horny Teen Scene: A Prequel continues to anger and befuddle the erect internet enthusiast. Check out some of these searches. There are the standards you'd expect:

horny teen
horny teen stories

Then there are the queries that actually sound as if the user has important questions that need answering:

How To Make A Girl Horny
Thongs For Teenagers
Horny When Making Out

A couple of them suggest that the user's search engine is some kind of supercomputer which has an intimate knowledge of the user's psyche. These are probably to coolest ones. I imagine this is how Batman searches for internet porn. He stands back, and commands:

Make Me Horny

Or perhaps he just says: "Computer! Show me..."

Things That Make Me Hard and Horny

Finally, there are the searches that are just plain funny...and odd.

Horny Girls Making Sex Sounds Horny America Teen Bend Over Porn Work For Illustrators Girls "Playing" Ewwwwwwww

The Aftermath

Of course, now that I've posted this article, I've just made things worse. Now I'm guaranteed to lure a host of angry, lonely men to my site. But, such are the stakes in the high-profile game of internet authoring. And let me assure you, sometimes these searches aren't entertaining; sometimes they can really shoot a guy in the foot. Like for instance, when someone types:

Kevin's Little Weiner

I can only assume Kevin Cornell, the Chippendales' dancer, will NOT be the first listing...

Comments on this Article

There are currently 31 comments.

[ Add one of your own! ]

Jason Santa Maria

It's good to know Batman stills tries to maintain some mystique by wearing his cowl when he masturbates.

John Nick

No no no. Batman CAN'T be masturbating in that picture. His utility belt is nowhere in sight.

Awesome article and picture Kevin.

A million years ago my first (and only) AOL address was I had it for a couple years before the movie Independence Day came out.

The movie's tag was ID4 and I got tons of mail from people thinking I was involved with the movie.

I.e., I empathize with your experience of being a disappointment to surfers who don't find what they're looking for.

But you ARE in the UK, right? RIGHT?


I still like the time someone ended up on my site when they were looking for your wife naked:
kim-ngyen (sp) naked

and Matt likes to add Paris Hilton just to see what kind of hits we get.

But hey, I'm sure these horney teen-lovin men, enjoy finding your site...possibly making them even hornier than they dreamed.
good job kevin!


BTW: sweet drawing!


Uh... Ummm ...

Oh dear... you mean the Union of Kevins, right?

I actually haven't paid my membership fees in a while. So I'm Steve from now on.


so, seriously though, where are the hot and horney teen pee club sluts?


I wouldn't mind joining a pee club. I could use the encouragement.


OK, I'll ask the question on everyones' - where's Boy Wonder?


everyones' LIPS dammit!


I hope you realise how dissapointed some people will be if you ever want to draw Mojo getting spanked.


Mojo getting spanked... eh, Jessie...?

I'l DO it!

John Nick

WOW! I want to see what Mojo does to DESERVE getting spanked.


Oh John Nick, I can't believe you just said that. Mojo gets into so much trouble around the house… leaving crumbs on the counter, moving hand towels all around the house, shoving poop into any hole he can find…


Don't forget about when he forgets to close cabinet doors. He's responsible for that too. Oh - and he also never raked the leaves out of the backyard in the fall...

Yep. HE did it. *loosen collar*


Oooh, I just can't stand the tension...

Just to warm up ...


Glad you posted on this.

carravagio conversion of st paul
gave me a hit.
How the Hell does this happen!? Also, Kim Nguyen Naked came up. I think they were looking for the number theorist working in cryptography though.

Biggest Apple

Frankly, if you've got a Sinus Infection and are Dizzy, a mojo cartoon is probably exactly what you need. I've heard that little feller "speak" and I'd say he's got some sinus issues going on himself. perhaps he can start a support group?

Rob Weychert

Great article, Kev. And for your information, your site did not disappoint when my search for "drunken monkey sluts" led me here.


Hey, Kev, don't sell yourself short...pun VERY much intended. Tee-hee.


Merritt, you're gonna get it - next time someone searches for

Merritt Eating Poop
I'm gonna make sure they get this!
Hahahahahahhaha! Advantage, Cornell!


Hi :)
Just wanted to say how much I enjoy your site. I just found it. Very funny!!


Thanks Jeannie! :)


Nothing more satisifying than a look through your incoming referrers and search strings that folks are using to turn up your site. Also a bit humbling as the vast majority of referrer traffic for my site does infact come courtesy of ironically enough - an internet aquaintences porn portal. Heh he. Thwarted again Batman!

The Boy Wonder

That's not the Batman I know.


Hah Hah! That is hilarious! PLEASE tell me that wasn't photoshopped in!?


Those crazy bat computer controls would make one hand typing hella difficult


Well Don - We are talking about Batman, here... he's reached the peak of excellence in ALL human endeavors.

The Boy Wonder

Legit. Not photoshopped.

In the past, Batman pulled boners without using the computer. (Not dirty. See dictionary.)


Here's another amusing instance where someone was completely misled. A search for:

a sample of a last will and testement
turned up at The Will of Matthew Vito.


I've just wasted a good few hours on your site - great!

However, I should tell you that I came across your site when I Googled "cheap holidays"...


Well... I have to admit, I'll let you stay at my house for a week for $24.00. How's that sound?

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