Monday, June 21, 2004

Pertinent Kev is Born

Pertinent Kev is Born

Taking Out The Trash

Lately, I've noticed an unfortunate trend. I often start to talk without having a relevant point. Then, halfway through the diatribe, when I realize I have no point, I awkwardly abandon my story. This leaves the people I was talking to confused, and agitated. Then they lose respect for me. After the respect is gone, the wedgies start.

So, in an effort to stop this unnecessary bullying, I've made a sort of "blood-oath" (without the blood and the voodoo). From now on, I'm no longer speaking unless I have a purpose for communicating.

So You're Shutting Down The Site, Hmm?

Oh — you'd like that, wouldn't you? Well, tough luck. There's a difference between speaking without a point, and posting pointless articles. At least in these little rants, I have a main idea I want to get across (i.e. Photoshop's a jerk, My lawn needs mowing, Christmas makes people push). I'm trying to eliminate the conversations that are just a shopping list of garble pouring out of my mouth. Observe:

ME: I like it when pavement gets hot and those waves form... what's that thing that happens - you know... didn't that happen to that guy you

ROB: (cracks his knuckles in preparation for wedgie)

Tactics Make Perfect

Now, even though I'm determined to make a change, I know accidents will happen and at some point in the future I'll be caught shitting from my mouth. So I've devised a couple of back-up plans for when my thought deteriorates.

Tactic 1: A Catch-All Phrase

This is basically a sentence that I can hitch to the end of the gibberish train and still salvage the conversation. Internet enthusiast Shaun Inman has the best suggestion so far, encouraging me to use the phrase "...and then I found five bucks." I like where that's going, because it makes me look practical with finances, too. I'm also considering using reality-shattering statements like "I've been addicted to morphine since the war" or "I once saw Jesus at the rodeo".

Tactic 2: Diversion

This one is the most costly, but I have a suspicion it will be the most effective. Picture a scenario where I'm speaking. I lose my train of thought, and you're about to lose respect for me when —

POOF! — I trigger the smoke bomb, which diverts your attention and allows me to run to safety!

But diversions aren't limited to magic tricks. Remember when I was driving with Rob? Well, I bet he'd have forgetten all about my audible drool once I swerve into the oncoming traffic. Tables would certainly have turned then, Master Weychert.

In Closing

I want you all to look forward to this new me — a better me — an easier to understand me. Things are going to be very different from now on. Who knows? Maybe I'll contribute to society in ways never before possible! Maybe in Mathematics! I should write a theorem or something...A+5r+E...

What? Oh... the A stands for... uh - Activity. And the E is... is...


Comments on this Article

There are currently 11 comments.

[ Add one of your own! ]


if you're gonna make changes, you might as well change everything. i suggest a new wardrobe, new coffee, maybe a mail-order wife from panama...

name and email required now?


Yes. They're required. And it's not hard to leave a name, seeing as we were all given one.

I don't understand why anyone would feel compelled to post here, to communicate directly with me, but would choose to remain anonymous.

It's the pertinent thing to do.

Mr. Pintulo

Speaking of pertinent, hearing of your new found "relevence" makes me hate you even more (you probably couldn't tell that I was making air quotes just then indicating sarcasm). Please give my trimming shears back.


another tactic is to turn attention to the person to whom you're speaking, thus making them forget about your inane mumbling. for instance, when you feel yourself slipping into the wedgie danger zone, you can say, "oh, hey. you've got a little....on your, the other....almost....let me see....yeah, i think you got it...." by this time, the other person is too embarrassed to remember what a plank you are.


You're right! I could also tell them they blacked out, and convince them they just heard bits and pieces of a CLEVER dissertation...


Good plan, if you can't come up with a sentence just point and pretend you saw a gnome.

Stephen Schumacher

Are you sure you want to change? We all know what happened to Kiss after they appeared on MTV without their makeup on?

Mike Perves

OK. Having been a marijuana smoker for many, many years, I've encountered this problem all too often. I'll be on a roll, describing a situation or a natural phenomenon when suddenly... I no longer know where I'm going with the sentance I've started. The best thing, in this situation, I've found is to start over. Just start the whole thing again from the beginning. Act as if you've gotten so deeply involved in what you are describing that it's time for a re-cap. Your audience will appreciate it. It may actually help them feel as if they are smarter than they are. Like: "Yeah, I'm getting the Total Relevance theory"


Good point, Steve. I'll become pertinent, but I'll continue wearing makeup.


maybe you could say "and I never saw/heard from it again..." at the end of a ramble.


Ooh! That's a good one - I like that!

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