Wednesday, February 25, 2004

To the Wallpaper Virgins

To the Wallpaper Virgins

Deplorable Decor Declarations

I've spent the past three days removing wallpaper, and I can safely say it's the pits. If you've never had to remove wallpaper, you're doing yourself — and the home-owning community — a great disservice.

My suggestion to you is this: go out to your closest home supply store, and purchase wallpaper with a pattern you're particularly fond of. Make sure you get a good brand of adhesive. Then, return home and begin wallpapering. Apply the adhesive to your face, and place a 8×8 square of wallpaper over the adhesive. Make sure you smooth away from the center; we don't want any bubbles to form, trapping oxygen that might delay your suffocation.

Why take the precaution of killing you? Well, if you haven't taken down wallpaper, chances are you might consider putting it up in the future. And we can't have that. Because I might just own the house after you, and when I see that you decided that wallpaper would look great on every imaginable surface ("Hmmm — the carpet could probably use some wallpaper"), I'd just find you and hunt you down anyways. So let's avoid the costly court battles, and you just take care of it yourself.

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Jason Santa Maria

Speaking of wallpaper, I don't care about wallpaper. Damn you and your links are bold with no underlines... and emphasized words are bold with no underlines. I am going to sneak into your house and re-apply all of the wallpaper.


I do that to keep the readers on their toes. I can't stand it when people leave my site unfrustrated.

Rob Weychert

KEVIN: Hey Jason, I just posted something in the News section of my site!

JASON: Cool, I'll go read it!


JASON: I read your News post and I posted a comment in response!

KEVIN: Cool, let me see!


KEVIN: I read your responding comment and I responded to it with a comment of my own!

JASON: Cool! All this activity has made me hungry; let's go get some lunch.

KEVIN: Let me just finish this game of Quake. There's only three frags left!

JASON: Cool! I'm gonna take a nap. Wake me up when you're ready to go!


You forgot the part in the middle, when we discuss our plans to have Rob Weychert eliminated from...well, life.


You should have been smart (like me) and bought a place with no wallpaper. But I still have to prime and paint, so maybe it would be even smarter to buy a place with no walls. But then where would you tack up your Kirk Cameron posters?


Ahem -- those go on the ceiling, over the bed.

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