Sunday, January 09, 2011

Animal Control

Animal Control

No New Taxes

On the whole, I have little interest in owning much taxidermy. Several years ago, I actually considered getting a bearskin rug for promotional reasons, but as it turns out they're really expensive. I could get several normal rugs and just glue teeth on them for that kind of money. Not to mention the psychological damage a real bearskin rug would cause Ernie.

Ernie Versus Bearskinrug

I still kind of like the idea of having a giant moose head, but this might be one of those things you regret once you actually experience it. I do a lot of walking around in the dark during bouts of insomnia, and those antlers pose a hazard to my many, many orifices.

Moose in Mouth

In the end, it's probably best I don't get anything. You have to admit, there's something ghoulish about having a dead animal in your home. And it won't be long before society completely outlaws the practice, what with the loophole it gives defense attorneys. You know... that trick where if you kill someone it's legal as long as you've completely replaced their internal organs with craft foam? Back me up here.

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It's good to know that not only my fellow countrymen tend to overeat during winter holidays. I knew it for a fact that pigs do it, dogs to some extent, but squirrels?! This comes as a surprise to me...

They do have extensible chick pouches though... I wonder how come evolution didn't provide man with something like that?

Oh, and I bet the poor squirrel has a hell of a headache now. I would sue the bastard vet for malpractice.


That poor squirrel must have concussion. Are you sure that vet isn't an imposter who got his headlamp out of a lucky packet?

I think dead animals belong in the mansions in horror films, but as for my house... never!


Tudoriminator - Haha... but I'm pretty sure the squirrel didn't ACTUALLY eat anything ;)

Jonathan - I'd say only live animals belong in horror films. And only as some sort of frankensteined concoction with several other animals.


hahaha... poor Ernie.


The only thing worse for him would be if I bought a dachshund skin rug. Now THAT would bug him out!


@tudorminator, there is a similar structure for humans - what else would explain the bulging midsection of some members of the population?

Moose heads are okay, just hang them really high. Now moose heads displayed at waist height... will cause interesting accidents.


I can't hang the moose head too high. I want to establish my dominance over it.


Bearskin rugs ARE expensive. Still, my friend Chad lassoed a bear from horseback and then took it home and made a rug out of it. True story.

Do you have a lasso, a horse, and a deficiency of higher brain-function? It could work out for you.


Hehehe - that had my laughing for a while - nice, Josh :D


Ah, the old Craft Foam Defense! One of my all-time favorites, right up there with the Insanity Defense and the sure-fire He Had It Coming. Catchy tune, too.


Lawyering is TOTALLY easy.

Method 21

Hey Kev,

I've never commented before, but I used to visit religiously back in 2006. Even bought 'Ambidextrous'! I got the bright idea to check out the website this morning and still as entertaining as I remember it. Never stop bein' you, man! Haha


Thanks, Method 21! Glad you stopped by! :)


"Never stop bein' you"

You mean being me is OPTIONAL??!! *smacks forehead* NOW he tells me! I coulda been Catherine Zeta Jones this whole time!! Geez.


Just found your site through the lovely Choose-Your-Own-Adventure nature of the internets. Been laughing ever since. :)


huzzah! Thanks Nicole, and welcome :)

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