Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Bear Talk

Bear Talk

Readers! The above comic shrouds the truth!

Last year sometime I posted about Sharks, one of nature's wettest animals. Back then, I knew very little about this killer of the deep, but decided it would be irresponsible to post about sharks without giving people the feeling they learned something. So I made up three facts, and encouraged others to make up shark facts of their own as well.

This turned out to be a horrible mistake.

This propagation of falsities caused an atmosphere of panic about sharks, and consequently every shark in the world has now become extinct. I'm so sorry about that. That's really my fault. Never again will you wake up to the morning song of the sharks in the trees outside your window.

In an effort to make up for this huge mistake, I've decided to be a bit more responsible in my fact-sharing about bears. So... here's three facts about bears that should convince you that bears are no danger to you at all.

Despite their enormous size, bears actually weigh very little due to a helium-filled sac in their bellies. Bears are Nature's Balloons.
Bears, though scared off by loud noises, are attracted to soft noises, like the whisper of dripping honey, the delicate brush of marshmellow to marshmellow, or the bated breath of your lover on a raw sirloin.
Teddy bears are actually real bears that voluntarily abandoned the wilderness to pursue a life of being stuffed and cuddled.

See? I told you. Please un-cock your handgun, and reach out to that bear. Wrap your arms around him and squeeze. Then, share a deep-belly laugh because you're actually giving a bear a bear hug. Then share a Bear Fact of your own.

Help save our harmless, feathered friends!

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dude, you've obviously never heard of Timothy Treadwell :|


Haven't you been reading this site? I've obviously never heard of ANYTHING.



Steve Lindstrom

I bet that bear is as happy as he is because that's one of those fancy new Hybrid nuts. For this reason (and many others including the excessive use of monocles and the phrase "mmmm. Yes. Rather.") Bears are known for being the smuggest animals in the forest. Lousy felines...

Mike Fool

I've always pictured bears to be more of a necktie species, but since he is obviously a lawyer, it does make sense that he sport a bow tie. So, my fun fact is that bear lawyers wear bow ties.


Little know bear-fact:

Bears actually don't poo in the wilderness. Bears are very neat and tidy creatures and since nature is their home they do their business elsewhere.

Typically in parks where lots of old ladies walk their dogs since bears know that leaving a little nugget on any of these walkways shifts the blame over to the old lady and her little snack size dog...


Dude, Reggie totally screwed over Bernie.


Bears have no real teeth, they have opaque deposits in their gums that appear to be dangerous biting tools, but in fact are the consistency of chewy candy. Hence, the nickname of "gummy bears".


Contrary to popular belief, bears do not eat fish. They have a strange habit of catching fish from the river and carrying them further upstream. During spawning season, a single bear can carry up to 2 fish per day upstream.

This is because bears are particularly soft-hearted and can't stand to see fish throwing themselves upstream into rocks. This has earned the bear the nickname "Nature's Peace Corps".

Bears get the fish-taste out of their mouths by eating stolen picnic baskets.


Don't be fooled. Bears have come a long way, but they have a sorted and discriminating past. I mean, they still cast out and shun their albino brethren, sending them to the coldest reaches of the earth, just because they're, um, different. And they know. They know that these so-called "polar ice caps" which they call these pale bears' "natural habitat" isn't prime real estate anymore.

And don't get me started on how they treat their cousins the Panda. Maoism my ass.


Mike - Wish I knew that before I drew this. I spent a lot of time worrying that the bowtie was an inaccuracy.

Henrik - Old ladies are such chumps. We should call them Old Chumpies.

Jam - Are you kidding me? Some of those are huckleberries!

Jacks - So, that's why you never see bears at the dentist. Good to know.

Toasterhunter - What gets the picnic-basket taste out of their mouths?

Testmonkey - So... polar bears are chumps too... I'll call them "Bear Chumpies".


Bears do not maul...

They tickle.


Bears are Graphic Designers living in sunny Brooklyn, NY. Bears enjoy loud music and subsequent ass-shaking. Bears nearly know the value of a dollar, though could still be persuaded to purchase magic beans. Bears enjoy good and bad Horror and Sci-Fi movies, though they prefer good, and can often be found losing the day to video games.


Bears are astonishingly emotional and intellectual. Some of the most popular authors in the bear community are Proust, Dante, Nietzsche, and Dostoyevsky.

Their famous roar is merely an expression of their angst after discovering the meaninglessness of berries and nuts.

Have a heart and don't let bears near your existentialist and nihilistic books!


James - I'd love to be in a forest-creature ticklefight.

Ian - Oh, it appears you have that wrong. You're thinking of pussy cats. ZING!

Dave - That's a good rule of thumb, and an excellent reason to destroy books!


Fun fact: bears are indigenous to warmer climates, like Florida, and migrated north when their natural habitat was being invaded by development, industry and retirees. This is why they still wander the forests with bear feet ....


Helium in the bellies! Genuis! That explains why such a large animal can climb trees so fast.

Fact. Bears do not hibernate. They are full grown moles. Upon reaching adulthood, they are allowed to wander above ground - usually to attend pot-lucks and other bear related activities. They return to the underground tunnels to mate and teach life lessons to the younger moles (bears). Bear cubs seen above ground are the canidates for said "Teddy Bears"

Think about it, have you ever seen a mole? No! Only bears.

Captain Purple

One of the saddest sights to behold is a bear shaved bare.

A bare-shaved bear is one of the saddest sights in nature.

An angry bear can be calmed with whimsical palindromes that make mention of either honey and berries.


Due to worldwide misspelling bears are often cited with "mauling" people. The correct spelling is "malling" and refers to the behavior of small ursine groups congregating in and around shopping plazas, (Note: As with teenagers, their behavior is sometimes equally annoying when malling.) Often found in food courts, Victoria's Secret, and better toy stores but NEVER at Starbucks or the GAP.

Also, dispelling the notion of their ferocious nature, the mandate to "lay down and play dead" is not because bears are not scavengers. Feigning death always elicits sadness in a bear due to their tenderhearted natures. Not only do they attempt a burial - made difficult for lack of a forkflit, a shovel, or opposable thumbs - but they often shed tears, bring flowers, and reverently play quiet jazz and drink Lapsang Souchong tea while reflecting on the life of the deceased.


fact: bears are, in fact, entirely fictional, much like the loch-ness monster and paris hilton's brain. created to strike fear in the hearts of forest-fire starters the world over, their legend has since grown. however, have you noticed that the bears our fellow comrades claim to have sighted somehow conveniently end up as rugs?

bollix, i say. bring back a LIVE bear from your excursion in the wilderness, and perhaps i'll take you seriously. until then, however... take comfort, my friends, in the knowledge that bears are, in fact, merely myth.


Bears are excellent chefs, specifically specializing in breakfast. Whether it be continental, English, Farmer's or just a plain piece of toast, you've never had breakfast until you've had bearkfast!!


Bears are the most mis-understood animal in the animal kingdom. When a bear laughs it sounds like he is growling. When a bear says hello it also sounds like very loud growling noises. This in turn scares many of an uneducated human. Many a bear has either lost their life to this fact or lost a potential bff.

The other thing is bears struggle to know their own strength , and so when a bear bites you he is really only trying to give you a harmless kiss.

Last one is that bears are really the MOST ticklish animal, the only problem is their thick fur tends to make it to where they are unable to feel much of anything at all.


Bears are not, in fact, furry but are the largest known arachnids and spin a very complex web on their own bodies.

Mountain Gnome

Fun Bear Fact: Almost all bears have an ill fitting red shirt in their closets, however its only the ones with no fashion sense that wear them outside the cave. Bears with fashion sense wear Bowties!


This is all so enlightening, but I question the validity of some of these claims.

Luckily there is a bear singing in the tree outside my window right now! Perhaps I'll shimmy up there with him and ask him to set me straight on a few things. Then maybe we can go malling together! I hear bears loooooove Orange Julius.


Bears don't kiss and tell.

Julesy Wulesy

Bears have X-ray vision and can do backflips forwards.

I learned this first hand on Safari in Kenya. The Lesser Toed Bat Bear, though somewhat intimidating, is known for it's agility and nimbleness and uses this technique to stun its prey. The bear will meander up to the prey and attempt a forwards backflip. The prey, so stunned by this, becomes rigid with curiosity and simply keels over. It is a rare phenomenon and has baffled scientist for days.

More on this at


Phyllis - Those poor bears. Perhaps we should enact a retiree hunting season?

Mork - That's true. I've never seen a mole. Unless you mean a "secret informant". Of course, I haven't seen one of them either.

Captain Purple - I think anything can be calmed with a whimsical palindrome. Eat on Tub! But no tea.

Bluefrog - I thought that was a pack of bears at the mall. They were all on cell phones.

Martha - I THOUGHT those bears at the zoo looked kind of stiff... probably animatronics, right?

Opspraak - Haha - NICE :D

Shane - So, by that reasoning, those bears shaved bare are probably the most fun kind of bear. Good to know.

Fishboy - Boy... bears are much creepier than I previously thought.

Mountain Gnome - Yeah. Only idiot bears that hang out with pigs and asses wear red shirts. If any other bear saw them, they'd get POUNDED.

Popo - A Yellow-Crested Nightingbear? Or perhaps a Tufted-Tipped Nest Bear?

James - If they did, they'd definitely have the hottest erotic tales, though.

Julesy - Amazing! And much more impressive than the Greater Toed Bat Bear!


Retiree hunting season - yes, yes, we'll have to start a local petition! :-) After all, it's only responsible to manage the retiree population. I mean, once their numbers rise to a certain level, you start to see a severe environmental impact and everyone starts to suffer. Especially hard hit are the golf courses, fabric stores, and orthopedic industries. I expect Elmer Fudd might be the first to apply for a license .... or Dick Cheney. (Illegedly, he was already hunting retirees anyway.)


Little known fact: The word “unbearable” was originally created to describe an action which bears could not physically perform. This is because it was once thought that bears could do anything and had almost superhero like abilities. This actually is true. Bears do have super powers, they merely choose not to use their powers and refrain from performing certain physical activates (like holding pencils) in order make us mortals feel better about ourselves.


It seems that in the last century or so, bears have achieved an understanding of art, one of the few animals to do so. The generally practice a form of scrimshaw, a medium for which their claws are handily adaptable to. Their work is largely of the magical-realistic style, and mostly concerns issues of ecology, climate, and an ongoing debate about nuts in chocolate.


Bears are actually largely hairless, much like humans, having little hair on their bodies except for on their heads. The so-called "bearskin" is actually a jumpsuit-like covering that bears weave using their own head-hairs. It may be due to the decrease in popularity of the "bearskin rug" that bears have taken up carving, since they are no longer having to spend all their time stockpiling and making new coats to replace those stolen by bearskin hunters.


Bears could save themselves a lot of trouble if they would wear clothes, instead of their woven bearskin suits (fleece sweat-clothes would work admirably), but refuse to for aesthetic reasons. They also find depictions of bears in clothing, such as in Maurice Sendak's "Little Bear" stories, to be highly offensive. There is a rumour that they had contacted legal council, but the contact seems to have advanced to the eating stage and they have been since black-balled by all reputable advocacy agencies.


Bears love marshmellows but hate marshmallows. Bears also hate nit-picky people nit-picking nits.


Everyone knows bears are big, cuddly, friendly and hygiene promoting characters. Sure they like picnic baskets; but , that's just a modest income for a bear now days. Anyway, their goal in life is to dye themselves pink or blue (thats why they are sent to the colder regions, to bleach white first) then do toilet tissue commercials. I know, I've seen it with my own eyes. Allow me to quote Pooh Bear, "... cleanliness is next to Bearliness." They are very big on hygiene.


Bears beat Battlestar Galactica.


Fifty miles underground, bears have an entire layer of the Earth inhabited solely by bears which is undetectable by human technology.

From this layer, they control most of the electrical functions on "The Crust". Tube, subway, television, grasshoppers, mud, microwaves, etc. Everything electrical goes through the bears' control panels.

We were only made aware of this level in an unfairly included chapter in the un-abridged version of Dante's Inferno. The "Beast Lightning" level was the 5-and-a-half-th circle of hell and was designated to lazy cooks and people who couldn't entertain themselves alone. It was actually Dante who coined the term 'idiot box' for TV, because he couldn't identify the strange device the bears used. This level has since been more accurately classified as "Not Really Hell at All".

As mentioned above, they are mostly hairless. The bears WE see, however, are simply in uniform while they monitor their systems "on the crust". It's much cooler here than it is fifty miles below. As with most public services, they are unavailable for large amounts of time when you really need them. Winter, for example. This is the true source of the animosity between bears and humans. Yes, really.

kevin nocoins

Oh man, so great! I have nothing clever to say (ever), so I will just leave it at that.

Stevie K

Bears often prefer a necktie as it draws attention away from their waistline, only the bravest of bears actually sport a bow tie.


Bearskinrug - Don't you mean, "erotic tails"?


bears' favorite day of the year is halloween, as its the only time they can freely roam in cities (some in costume as witches and pumpkins), and not be pelted with rocks. unless they're pelted with candy, which they actually enjoy.


little known fact: André René Roussimoff, better known under his stage name, André the Giant, was actually 1/2 Bear 1/2 French.


Gerren -


Gerren - Haha - that was pretty awesome - took me by surprise!


I just want to make sure those animals are of age to be able to inherit such lofty sums, because I don't know, they look Bearly Legal.

Mike Fool

I would feel very comfortable being represented by a bear lawyer. What would be more convincing to a jury, an opening statement or the threat of being used to make a statement. You know, by virtue of being eaten.


Scott - Oh man... I'd groan... if I didn't enjoy any and all bear puns!

Mike Fool - You've got a good point. I may have to change my representation. Sorry, Mr. Badger.


Well, you captured a truly Kodiak Moment (tm).


Everyone knows that the Disney corporation owns the rights to "Kodiak Moment" (see Aladdin 3).


It's a little-known factoid that bears' front legs are actually not legs at all, but modified teeth, much like the narwhal's horn.

Often in the autumn you can find discarded toothlegs in the forest as bears begin growing in a new set for spring.

Sam Zenner

First time I realised that the Flemish word for bear, is beer... This can't be coincidence!


many (in fact, most, if not all)(havent met one who didnt yet) bears when masturbating or having sexual intercourse fantasize about being with someone from a different species!!! shocking, huh?


Bears do in fact, eat enchiladas. They also enjoy mango smoothies and depressing songs. Also they use the john every night before bed... with their big 500000 page books and coffee.


Jesus. I've visited your site before to examine your work (and was promptly impressed). However, on this second visit I've read your articles, and I'm actually crying with laughter.

You, sir, are a genius.

Good day.

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