Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Ernie Report: Breaking News

The Ernie Report: Breaking News

Daring High-Risk Robbery!

I don't often post unplanned. But I'm going to take advantage of the "writing as therapeutic tool" aspect of owning a website, and hope this update makes me feel somewhat better.

Having just showered, I came out of the bathroom to find this door open:

My Office Door

Which is odd, because I specifically closed it before I went into the shower. And upon entering the room, I found this scene below my desk:

My Fucking Wallet!

In case you can't tell — that's money.

This dog:

The Culprit

Got a hold of my wallet and proceeded to make a couple withdrawals.

It's unfortunate that someone who makes his living drawing, should own a dog who finds paper to be the greatest of delicacies. It is a tragedy of Shakespearian proportions when someone trying to make a living as an artist has a dog that literally EATS MONEY.

Additional Notes

As you may have guessed, the dog pictured isn't actually Ernie. I chose not to show a picture of Ernie, and for good reason. The physical appearance of a Dachshund is such, that when trying to tell a story where said Dachshund is the bad guy, letting your audience actually see the dog will immediately turn you into the story's antagonist.

Comments on this Article

There are currently 32 comments.

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Ha, what a shame to have a dog that, quite literally "eats your homework". Even though it isn't homework. Still.

The Colonel

You should've known the dog was evil, after all, he IS German.

So what punishment shall you bestow upon the dastardly little fellow?


You know, in some places of the world they EAT dogs for less than this.


Mitchell - No - it's homework. I'm taking a counterfeiting class at the community college.

Colonel - The only punishment I CAN give — put him in his pen for a couple of minutes and ignore him. Geneva Conventions were remarkably strict when it came to canine rights.

Monkeyinabox - I don't want to eat my dog! Besides, the American Dollar is so weak these days - he's barely getting any nutrition.


Still didn't work - fake-Ernie's eyes still look cute and sad. Should have gone for some evil slits. Or snake eyes. Or Johnny Depp eyes.


Crap. I knew I should have spent more time in wardrobe.

Greg K Nicholson

Johnny Depp eyes?! I thought we were trying to make him not look cute.

Terry Tolleson

I about spit out my evening tea when I saw the pic of Ernie. And by “tea”, I mean room-temperature water I found in a glass next to my desk when I sat down.

Mountain Gnome

Dachshunds, what can you say.... Their reputation preceeds them! Just how did he manage to open the door, that you "specifically closed" ?
As punishment: instead of dinner give him a bowl of shredded paper!


that is a brilliant point.

also I am relieved t was only your dog and not *** ** ***** ******* ******* in the neighborhood.


Well, just hang around until he turns into an ATM! You won't need to swipe a card or punch in a code.


Terry - Wow.... I can already spot two things wrong with the way you make tea.

Mountain Gnome - Ah - I keep forgetting the damn latch on the office door is wonky. So I close it, but it doesn't always catch.

Bandelin - I like this new policy of you censoring your own comments! It saves me work and you lawsuits!

Opspraak - That'd be awesome. Though, he's mostly filled with stuffed toy parts and dust bunnies, rather than actual money.


You had $21 bucks in your wallet?!? I want to be an artist!!!!

I didn't mean that to sound so sardonic...


Oh, man. When I had a dog, he used to FIND money, not eat it. One evening while out for a stroll, he was sniffing around and found $100 on the sidewalk.

Then again, I went through 5 pairs of slippers with that little guy. Bichons are really quite the terror, you know.


Aw man that sucks! At least he didnt find your pirate treasure. Phew!

The Colonel

Please, Kev... this is AMERICA.

We don't follow the Geneva Conventions anymore.

Russer Butter

The money doesn't look beyond repair, all you really need is a serial number to exchange it at the bank.
Think of it this way Kev, at least your dog has chosen paper as his favorite treat and not sock monkeys.
Oh, and I got my XL Mojo shirt in the mail, much better fit than the Large.


I guess it's a good thing that Mojo seems to be crapping money.

blipple bloop blop

He's also stashing receipts! Apparently, he's bought things! You gotta stop letting him out to potty at 4am on his own. Sure, you're tired--but you're enabling this life of crime!


I actually empty my wallet and stuff my dog with whatever bills I have. That way I won't spend it, it's too much hassle to get it out quickly (you can't break her like a traditional bank), and thieves don't USUALLY carry xray equipment to check your pets for hidden valuables.

The odd thing is she'll occasionally make change on the floor!


Malibu - Well, I need $19 of that for a beret re-jaunting, and a smock resizing. I don't know how I'm going to afford my mustache waxing.

Scott - You should have bred him! You'd be a millionaire now!

Aisleen - No, that's safely hidden in a mound of loosely-packed dirt in the backyard. I marked it with a open jar of peanut butter. And it's where all those neighborhood cats hang out.

Russ - You sound quite knowledgeable about this problem. Do Alpacas eat money too?

Ian - I wish. He's got some agent who's taking 95%. Never let Mojo negotiate any deal.

Blipple Bloop Blop - I KNEW I shouldn't have let him hang out with those other dogs... that "Pickles" has been such a bad influence on him.

Bluefrog - Not a bad idea. What's her interest rate?


i'm SO going to use that excuse next time my rent is due...

"sorry, i can't pay this month. my dog ate my money."

think it'll work?

Russer Butter

That's farming, everything eats money.


My little Chi prefers cat poop that she filches directly from the cat box. I'm not sure how this works, exactly, but isn't twice-pooped poop kind of like a fecal refrito?

If she ate money like Ernie, would it be Braunschläger?


Picklez varned me of your anger, Cornell. Do your vorst, but there is not a pen zat has been built that can that hold back my spirit. I vill tell you nothzing of my plan or for whom I am verking.

But know this, Mr. Putting -thing-on-ze-counter-topps-just-out-of-my-reach, von day your day shall come, and I vill be there on ze vanguard of your destruction, vagging mine tail with ze glee!

Bwa ha ha ha haaa!


Hmmm in the backyard? Well as long as Ernie isn't paying those cata to dig the treasure should be safe!


Ernie - How come you can suddenly type entire paragraphs in human language, but you still look confused about where your toys are when I hide them behind my back?


Because I am thinking about your exposed throat... er, vhat I mean is, um...

I've zaid too much!

Look, Cornell, look deep into ze adorable eyes dat are mine...


My sister and her husband have a 3-legged dachsund named Fidget. The missing leg doesn't seem to slow her down.

Manuel Martensen

I wonder, how do you plan to future shower after that, for dachs sake?
It sums up and getting dirty could become fairly expensive — like they say “clean is the new cheap”.

(Sorry if that sounds like sheep)


That is the best mug shot I have ever seen. Not that I've seen a lot of them, you understand, but if I had then that would still be the best one.

You have to be especially careful about making tea the Terry Tolleson way if you sometimes have paintbrushes in glasses of water sitting on your desk.

Kevin Crawford

My little puppy, Coco, has a thing for money too. Except he stashes it in his box of toys! The bastard.

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