Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Shark Talk

Shark Talk

Real Facts about Sharks

My first inclination here was to write up a bunch of interesting facts about sharks. Of course, there's probably about 700 web pages out there with shark facts, and none of them are really all that interesting. In fact, after looking around, I only found 1 shark fact that seemed worth bringing up:

If you turn a shark upside-down, it becomes paralyzed.

So, I decided to make up a couple facts about sharks, facts that I guarantee you won't find on any other site, especially a reputable one.

Facts about Sharks I'm Making Up Right Now

The largest shark ever found by an imaginary pirate was Hercules, a 700-foot whale shark discovered by Captain Bumclay, hero in a novel I'll write if this brief sentence impresses any publisher who may be reading it.
Sharks communicate through a complex language based on items they swallow. Roughly translated, a great white shark containing a suit of armor, a license plate, and undigested seal is saying, "I have a poor self-image; I need some attention".
If you took all the sharks in the world and placed them end to end to see how many times the shark line would wrap around the globe, then replaced the sharks with bumblebees, the bees would wrap around the world exactly once.

So... anyone else have any good shark facts?

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The Colonel

Although considered by most to be merciless killers of the deep, sharks have been known to raise & nurture orphaned kittens as their own.

Unfortunately, the kittens often survive only to become merciless killers of the deep.


But that's only if they survive drowning.

RR anderson

shark cakes look really good but taste like frosted teddy bear fur.


Although they're often called "eating machines," sharks are not machines at all, but fish.

I didn't make this up. I think I saw it on MST3K.

Chris Zocco

Female sharks, when pregnant, develop odd eating habits. Like clam chowder with lucky charms cereal on top. With the pots of gold, and red balloons.


I read that George Washington actually rode on back of a shark when he crossed the Delaware River to attack the Brits.

If the shark is worried about the holdup, can't he just eat his way to the front? Or, since he's no longer swimming in international waters, must he abide by local laws?


Sharks have several sets of eyelids, including one which is comprised of one red and one blue membrane, allowing them to view 3D movies without special glasses.


I wish I was a shark.

Different Bird

Sharks have glow in the dark teeth, but not all of them, just every other one.


Sharks sneeze when they see the colour green


They will cry when they see the 'Colour Purple'. Actually, they cry everytime they watch Oprah.

Stephen Schumacher

The annoying and short lived Mime Shark (marcelus marsous carcharias) swims its entire life against a current that doesn't exist.

John Whittet

Sharks invented the internet.


i am not making this up... i once heard on a tv program regarding sharks, that "the faster a shark swims, the more distance it will cover in a period of time." i was so amazed that some editor didn't catch that as a "duh" comment that i went and wrote it down. years later, i throw it out at parties whenever someone has just dropped a boring-bomb on the conversation.


Sharks are known to regularly eat at Long John's Fishmarket.

In an ironic twist, Long John's Fishmarket is located in Boise, Idaho, necessitating a lengthy journey for sharks, many of whom come from the East Coast or Thailand. National Geographic has been documenting the March of the Sharks; Morgan Freeman will be supplying the narration for the film, scheduled for a June release.

The National Geographic Web site has all the information on this. So does Morgan Freeman's Web site.


Sharks have a bad rep for maiming and killing surfers and cute seals. However, seals are not really cute.


Male sharks use complex song and dance numbers,not unlike those seen on broadway, in order to entice a female to mate. If enough females dissaprove of a certain male's routine, the male then has to support other more dominant males as a back-up dancer/singer.


If you were to turn a shark completely inside out, like a sock, it would look exactly the same.


Land sharks will only knock on a door twice and always announce themselves.


Sharks do frequent Long John's fishmarket, but suprisingly, they go there for the chicken.


sharks are actually not considered fish, but fruits.


Amazingly, only 35% of sharks actually have law degrees.


Sharks actually lay eggs. Shark eggs happen to look exactly like little baby sharks. They wriggle around, swim, eat and while they never, ever hatch, they are eggs. Really.


Heheh - I'm quite enjoying all these!

Here's another little known fa(ux)ct:

SHARK is actually the word "SHARP" spelled wrong.


Guns don't kill people. Sharks who play video games do.

Terry Tolleson

A shark's skeleton is actually not cartilage, but the stuff you find in Stretch Armstrong dolls.


Sharks who participate in undercover drug sting operations are known as Shark Narks.


All I know is ... sharks make wonderful dinner guests. The only BAD part is that they always want 'Plackers' to floss their many many teeth.


The only way for Chuck Norris to die is he must get eaten by shark.

Isn't that where this is going?

Captain Purple

With interest rates running as high as 600% it is strongly advised NOT to accept a loan from a shark.

Sharks avoid fresh water because it tastes like bear pee.

Bathtub shark attacks are extremely rare. Unless you are on a sinking ocean vessel. Then bathtub shark attacks are extremely likely.

Mark (or Clark)

While sharks like Jabberjaws get all the press, your average working-class shark is actually quite docile and well-mannered. Except when they're eating people.

On a lark, I once took a shark to the park in the dark.

The Colonel

A seldom-known fact is that 57% of all sharks are bulimic.

You see, sharks eat because they're unhappy.
And they're unhappy because they eat.


1.Sharks can only see in 3 shades of gray (#2, #3 and the rare #1 pencil).

2. Their eyes are limited to only seeing elements that are important (Non-critical humans are simply viewed upon as round circles).

3. Like rattleshakes, they carry left over teeth in their fins.

4.Since they are unable to speak English, they've mastered the art of spontaneous closed captioning.


( I wonder if "rattleshakes" was my subconcience compensating for my stupid high brain functions )


Sharks are actually the larval form of electricity repair men.


4 out of 5 Sharks agree that Sharks hate Polls.


Not much is known about sharks, despite four shark-themed Broadway shows.


Two-thirds of a shark's brain is devoted to smell. The other third is devoted to Patrick Swayze films.


There is a shark called the Cookiecutter. It only surfaces on holidays and for children's birthday parties to deliver sweet sugary biscuits. Sometimes it ties balloons into funny hats.

Different Bird

Once, while wathcing the discovery channel, I saw a documentary of a shark, and his life long dream, he wanted to tap dance. It was really an amazing piece, he had some real talent. The only thing standing in his was was the water skiiing squirrel...rat bastard.

Kyle Jones

Hahaha, Great idea!
I hear sharks' favroite food is Samuel L. Jackson.

Captain Purple

Though loathe to admit it, most sharks enjoy Jerry Lewis films.

Some Polynesian cultures consider shark attacks an ill omen. In order to ward off such an attack, every morning the ugliest child in the village will have the end of a 100' rope tied around their waist and then be sent for a swim in the lagoon. Many villagers find 90' of rope a good return (depending on the child, of course).

Terry Tolleson

Blonde sharks have more fin.


Lest we forget the infamous (more than famous) Shark-billed Platypus


Hmmmm ... maybe an epoch is needed? A long, drawn out story of a sock monkey named Mojo, with a one-track mind, searching the high seas for his nemesis, "Paws" the Tiger Shark.


I've already got an idea for the cover!

Charles G

Ahh, the infamous Monkey vs. Shark scene... I like.

Chris B.

I found these facts on the Internet, which is completely reliable. 1. Sharks must drink blood to live 2. Sharks guard pots of gold 3. Sharks love rainbows but hate the sun. 4. Sharks sleep in coffins at night. If you catch a shark in his coffin, he has to grant you a wish.

I can't remember if those are shark facts or vampire leprechaun facts.



Get it? Because you asked, "So... anyone else have any good shark facts?" Oh me, that one never gets old!


Sharks store water in two humps of fatty tissue on their backs, enabling them to survive without water for up to two weeks. They can also smell fear.


thanks for this one. i laughed out loud.


Sharks do not care for their young after birth. The film, "Cider House Rules" was originally about this phenomenon, but Michael Caine, lost in the role, kept accidentally eating his co-stars.


Normally, sharks eat alone. Preferably, over the sink.


"They Call Me Eh"

Call me Mojo. Some years ago -- never mind how long precisely -- having little or no money ... eh!!

Tiger Shark! Paws! Eh!

Russer Butters

Well, speaking as a marine biologist, I would deep fry them and serve them with tartar sauce.


Isn't SHARK also the word "SHART" spelled wrong?

Captain Purple

It is a proven fact that sharks caused the extinction of unicorns

Captain Purple

If you should play cards with a shark, NEVER play for money.


Russer Butters - Isn't that against the Marine Biologists's Code? Aren't you supposed to eat them straight out of the water?

Jared - No... that's "SHARP" spelled wrong as well. Impressive, eh?

Captain Purple - Actually, sharks did cause the extinction of unicorns. Get out of here with your filthy truth.

Vincent Simard

Sharks invented screen readers.


Sharks that eat on their own are called LONE SHARKS.


Sharks have a special network of jelly-filled canals in their head called the Ampullae of Lorenzini that detect electric fields. These are complimented by another network of peanut-butter filled canals in their fins called the Ampullae of Skippy. Sadly, ne'er the twain shall meet.

Russer Butters

No no, not the sharks, the people. Or maybe broiled with some drawn butter. Mmmm, that's it Bear draw me some butter.


Sharks are second only to Bears in amount of scariness.


Sharks are lactose intolerant.

Different Bird

It is a little known fact that sharks have the cure to the common cold, but refuse to share it, allowing them to gloat in their superior knowledge to that of ours.


of all the dirty... ha-choo! rotten, stinkin'... sniffle, sniffle

Swimmius Q. Shark

You people have set back Shark-Human relations a century now. I hope you're proud of yourselves.


Sharks loathe lawyer jokes.


Sharks were first to land on the moon.

Hugh G.

Damn this is one of the funniest posts I've read in ages! Nice work everyone.

Liam McDermott

"2. Sharks guard pots of gold."
So sharks are leprechauns in disguise?

"Amazingly, only 35% of sharks actually have law degrees."
Meaning 35% of leprechauns have law degrees?! Damn, never ever steal a Leprechauns Lucky Charms, the little blighter will sue your arse.


SHARK is the word NAVAJO spelled wrong.


As sharks grow, they get bigger.


Nemo's dad has met a shark.


I love this site ...


When targeting a shark with your @media types, use the type="shark" and only sharks will see your webpage.

This works wonders while working on thriller moviescripts that include sharks. Why?
Because you can use the inverse, as well:
type="all...except sharks" declaration.

However, the best way to avoid a shark seeing your website is to use the Mako-Hack:

^^^^^^attribute-here: foopx;
Brilliant stuff.


Sharks tend to try to find food under the sea.


sometimes sharks die.


Sharks can actually live in chlorine filled swimming pools. However, they would probably die soon after.


Though many intellectual four-year-olds believe so, sharks do not actually come up through the toilet, but prefer to go through the spout in your faucet.

For obvious reasons, they would rather be near someone's hands then near their ass.


uh.. i mean... donkey! yeah.. donkey...


Great. Now I'm scared to wash my hands as WELL as sit on the toilet!


Sharks are just victims. They bite and rend because society is responsible for their dysfunctional behavior. They suffer from low self-esteem, are raised in a violent home environment, with mostly absentee parents...can you blame the poor little rotters if they act out?

Mary Amico

Sharks don't eat popcorn because it gets stuck in their teeth. We hear this complaint constantly.


Sharks have braces when their teeth are crooked.


When it comes to Bears vs. Sharks, the deciding factor will be terrain.


When a shark attacks a person he is actually trying to rape them, but his teeth often get in the way.


A shark and a bird can't fall in love...but they can still have casual sex.


Hahah... NICE... :D


Never commented on this at the time, but have since been drawn back to its beauty and wit. Would love to see this as a finished work, its deadly clever, only matched by the hilariously funny comments on shark facts.

This is an easy all time favourite, I love the face of the perplexed oblivious gentleman at the front of the line, If only I had nickel for every time I have been stuck behind one of them.


Well, I guarantee that when I do a book of One-Offs, I'll have this one in there... drawn in stunning black & white!


Sharks are not scared of anything except for bears, although its a little known untruth that a shark could have a bear if it came down to a fight!

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