Thursday, March 24, 2011

Heavenly Orientation

Heavenly Orientation

Eternal Verisimilitude

When you draw something as whimsical as comics (or "The Dick Tracies" as older, less socially-coherent individuals might call them), people often don't consider the amount of thought and research that go into each drawing. This cartoon is the perfect example. I added several important details — details you probably didn't consider — to add authenticity to the scene, to make it believable. Observe the following:

  1. God has a full head of hair: When you're all powerful, you don't let yourself go bald. That should be obvious. At least to those of us with a receding hairline.
  2. The man getting the tour is enjoying a delicious cone of soft-serve ice cream: As anyone who goes to heaven knows, you get free swirl cones on the orientation tour. "You Beta Eta every Iota of the Alpha and Omega's Perfect Swirl" to quote the brochure. Though, to be honest, those cones are not totally devoid of flaw. For one thing, they can still stain clothing. And they still attract bees. Angel bees, at that, which are way worse than normal bees, because when they die stinging you, they just respawn, like, 10 feet away. The good news is, when you eat an ice cream cone in heaven, all the fat that would normally go straight to your midsection gets packed onto some schlub in hell.
  3. Fixtures in Heaven are unreliable: If you'll notice, that light switch doesn't make a *click* sound when God turns it on. That's because it's broken. Heaven is filled with electricians who, early in their career, get electrocuted on the job because of their lack of experience. Consequently, all fixtures are installed by rather unqualified individuals. This is also the same reason there's so many poorly-tamed lions in heaven.

So, there you go. And those are just the first three examples I can think of. I'm sure you've spotted others, but I won't patronize you by pointing them out. But, of course, if you wish to share your observations, I'm more than happy to confirm them for you. The ball is in your court. Or "The Pi is in your Omicron" as they say in Heaven.

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Well, the pressure's on now, isn't it?

I noticed that God, who could have just gone ahead and said "Let there be light" and be done with it, chose instead to flick a switch that didn't do anything.

I'm not sure if this means that God has a sense of humor, or just that God is a nihilist who likes to mess with our heads.

Also, I'd like to point out that the man with the ice cream cone seems to be wearing a sweater-vest, which would seem to vindicate the idea of divine justice, in that the abused and marginalized nerds of the world get specialized, personal attention in heaven.


There's definitely nerds in hell. Hopefully, that guy who runs the computers that spam me 2000 times a day.


Perhaps another reason the lions are so poorly tamed has something to do with the striking resemblance each of them shares with God.

Also, the subtle transition from lion-fearing men to God-fearing men might very well explain why so many lion trainers end up in Heaven.


Those aren't nerds, dude. Those are men with machetes in Uganda, who keep nerds captive in little huts and force them to do unspeakable things.

The nerds in hell are the ones like our good friend Bill G., who get a little too much money and power and turn into the very thing they used to despise.


Robohamster - In their defense, not all lion tamers are afraid of lions. Some are just mean to chairs.

Josh - I don't know... if he manages to continue his charity work, he might slip through the ol' pearly gates. Though... judged purely by the maintenance record of my xbox, he should go to hell.


The guy on the tour seems to be too young to be bald, too.

Either only God is allowed to keep his mane or bald men have expiated their seems enough by losing hair early on earth. So they skip purgatory and go straight to heaven.

Also, God's clothes have no buttons. Mothers in heaven will get their much-needed rest from mending loose buttons or darning socks.

The new guy will probably get a drape-on clothing after the tour too.


I bet there are McNuggets in that room there somewhere. Because OMG, they are heavenly!


Mary - I'm not sure you get clothes. I think you have to just kind of mold a tiny cloud around your swimsuit area if your the kind of person who uses the term "swimsuit area".

Opspraak - If there are McNuggets in there, good luck getting them into dipping sauce. Or out of the box even.


I'd like to see what the McNugget's sauce would look like!


There is a book in that room. What book did god write that was too heavy for him to lift?


It's a sequel to the Bible. "Bible 2: Revenge of the Dinosaurs".


my, that would be a heavy read...


the dude gettin' the tour reminds me of Wallace. did Gromit get in too? I mean, cause, all dogs go to heaven


I just love that even God has an attic full of unusable stuff! I bet the garage sales in Heaven are, um, to die for! hee, hee, "to die for"! hee, hee ... hee ... cough ... yeah.

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