Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Animal Attack

Animal Attack

Useful Survival Techniques

I thought I'd post another strip from the Baltimore Notebook, the tiny moleskine where I first started drawing up Ambidextrous Comics. I was planning to post a different comic from that book, but I actually couldn't find it — but I came across this one and was pretty amused, so up it goes!

I'm not really sure what you SHOULD do if attacked by a bear, but I'm sure someone with authority has posted that information somewhere. No... there's not one reason for me to re-iterate proper safety techniques for bears. However, I can give you some excellent guidelines on how to conduct yourself if attacked by me:

Surviving a Kevin Cornell Attack

Prevention is the best defense. When walking through an area densely populated with Kevin Cornell, make sure to make a lot of noise while passing through. Try shouting phrases that should scare him off, like "I'm in the mood to hug a stranger!" or "I'd like to discuss politics with the first person I see..."
If you find yourself suddenly face-to-face with Kevin Cornell, don't make any sudden movements. Back away slowly and quietly, so that he can hear you releasing flatus, a known Kevin Cornell deterrent.
If Kevin Cornell should attack, concentrate on pleasant thoughts and simply wait it out. Most victims of a Kevin Cornell attack report that the blows are extremely weak, and the majority of them will miss. Some compare the experience to a robust shiatsu massage, feeling refreshed afterwards, and inclined to give Kevin Cornell a five-spot.

Comments on this Article

There are currently 18 comments.

[ Add one of your own! ]


Wonderful as ever.

Though I did see that the marker from the moleskine slightly detracts from the fierceness of the bear by making it appear more mouse-like


Well, when you really get down to it, Bears and Mice are very similar. Often, on the phone, I think I'm talking to a Bear when it's actually a Mouse.


what makes the bear especially fierce is that he never closes his mouth!


Bear patience? I wonder if he'll order desert? How was he even allowed in the restaurant? I mean, if we can keep a "Creepshow-ish" Mojo off the plane, why would we consider a bear being let in a restaurant? Oh, the many questions life never answers ...


Italian?!?! Bears only eat Mexican! Next time take me... er... that bear to a nice Mexican joint.


Sutter - Food is more likely to accidentally enter your mouth if you keep it open all the time...

Greggie - Well, have you ever tried to bring a bear into a restaurant? As long as he meets the dress code, it should be fine....

Ian - Oh! So that explains why you — er — that Bear still ran me over with his car...


ha ha. great sketch! I don't know if I should be admitting this, but this sketch actually kind of reminds me of me on a bad day. Most of the time I have some sort of snack on hand. But occassionaly I find myself with no food and very hungry. I then start getting light headed and grumpy. I'm sure my husband sees me as 'the bear' on these occasions. :)

Hugh G.

I'm calling Marty Stouffer. Let's get one of these attacks on tape.

What kind of habitats does Kevin Cornell prefer? And what would make ideal bait?


Kevin Cornell bait would be pizza, olives, and/or a martini.


Dude, you crack me up big time. I've only been a recent reader but you're in my "A" list now. What a relief. You so don't know how badly I needed the therapy. What's your price? Oh wait, it's free. Damn, too good to be true. Thank you.

The Colonel

Personally, I'm hoping that National Geographic soon has a Wild Cornell Cam.

We know that the Cornell tends to illustrate in captivity, but what will happen when its instincts kick in?


Is it asking for trouble to take a bear to an All You Can Eat joint?


Great sketch, reminds me of the lyrics from a Lyle Lovett song "So meet a bear and take him out to lunch with you...
And they just don't come no better than a bear."

Zaihan K.

It's especially cute how the suppossedly fierce bear has time to pause and watch the two protagonists postulating food as a distraction... I mean, just look at its face - it's like trying to comprehend the utter stupidity of those two, and then proceeds to shake them up with a well placed "ROWR!" when they get carried away. Hahaha!


Hugh G. - Yeah. Kim's pretty much got it right. And maybe a breakfast Bagel Sandwich.

Destry - Thanks! I live to entertain! :D

The Colonel - Eh. Chances are that a Cornell in the Wild would still illustrate... it would just be with urine.

Anaglyph - Depends what they serve. An All-You-Can-Eat Drywall Buffet is relatively safe.

Zaihan K. - Well, sometimes, to get your meal, you gotta kick a little ass...


That's neither bear nor mouse. Look! tyrannosaurus rex arms!


Looks like you've got a future in paleontology! Or genetically engineering Chimeras...

The Reverend Chris

Why does that bear look surly even in the restaurant? I mean that's clearly a very nice tablecloth. It should be more appreciative.

[ Back to Top ]

Recent Articles

[ Visit Article Archives ]

Who Carols Mojo and the Leaves MUSTACHE! The Symbol For Jerk Interpreting Excelsior Dead Love The Big Sandwich Mojo The Bounty Hunter Sketchbook 22 Live! Six-Penny Anthems II