Thursday, September 25, 2003

Observations on Driving

Observations on Driving

The Degrees of Driving

I often hear accusations that I'm a bad driver. Taking this to heart, I've begun to really pay attention to just how I drive. Sure, I may be a little lead-footed at times, and my stops are less in the "gradual" category, and closer to "herky-jerky", but I really don't feel that qualifies me as "bad". What about those people who actually hit other cars? Aren't they the bad drivers? How can I be considered bad if I've never been in an accident?

I'm merely a mediocre driver.

Conversely, I don't feel that someone who obeys all traffic rules and makes gradual starts and stops can be called a good driver. They're a satisfactory driver. They've only met the minimum driving requirements. They lack ambition.

Now, a good driver is a driver with satisfactory status who puts the extra effort forth to make the driving experience pleasurable. These are people who keep pillows and blankets in the car for passengers, or even maintain a drink cart. I had an uncle who kept lollipops in his glove compartment, and whenever we'd drive somewhere he'd give us a treat. Why, he'd even give 'em to kids who weren't even driving with him! Yessir — he qualifies as a good driver — although he doesn't drive as much since his incarceration.

A great driver has all the good technical skill and traffic law knowledge expected out of a satisfactory driver, but is so in-tune with their vehicle that it's become an extension of their body. Great drivers swerve in and out of traffic, drive through backyards, jump over gas stations and police roadblocks, and get to their destination in half the time. Like Bo and Luke Duke. Now whether or not great drivers carry explosives and archery equipment in their trunk, or sleep with their cousins, I can't be sure. But I'm leaning towards yes.

So, in conclusion, I am merely a mediocre driver. (Unless I'm playing Grand Theft Auto, in which case I am a great driver). With a little time and money, I could even be a good driver! So from now on, if I offer you a ride, don't be hesitant to get in the car. And I promise that MY lollipops aren't laced with inhibition-lowering drugs.

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You don't jump your car over enough stuff. And what's more, you don't pick up hookers anymore. pffft...Kim has you so whipped.


This may be a somewhat unrelated topic... but I really wish I had traffic omniscience as a superpower. If asked, most people will tell you that they would want to have the ability to fly or turn invisible or something as absurd. I think that line of thought is immature and ridiculous. Whereas, I want to have the same knowledge as god (strictly in regards to traffic, I don't want to be blasphemous or anything). Therefore I will know what routes to take in order to avoid traffic, what the most direct roadway to any designation is without consulting a map...etc. As you can see the benefits are endless. Perhaps the greatest advantage would be the ability to know where Kevin would be driving at all times, and using that knowledge to create as much distance as possible between him and myself to avoid his awful, awful driving.


Hmm. That does make sense. I'd use the omniscience to hunt you down and run over your precious, precious legs.


Definition of a bad driver: talks on a cellphone. That shit Pisses me off!


"you're a bad driver" might be an exxaggeration, but who's first inclination is to say, "You're a mediocre driver, kevin."

Hookers? He gets to bang enough in GTA.


So I should label myself with a word that rolls off the tongue easier, eh? How about I'm an acceptable driver? Or an "Eh" driver.

Q: "How good a driver is Kevin?"

A: "...Eh..." (shrugs shoulders)

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